So gather 'round and let's get some fiddly bits sorted out before we go any further. This week's missive requires some back story, I'm afraid. But don't worry too much. It's fairly straightforward and we should be on to the good stuff before you start thinking about how much more fun cleaning the stove would be. I can't offer you the heady mind-altering fumes that emanate form a a can of EZ-Off, but I can offer you a story, a book review of sorts and a dancing monkey twirling three plates on sticks.

For various reasons, which I won't go into here mainly because I don't have a clue as to what they were nor, like the inner works of a rotor tiller, do I really desire to know, my order for Wil Wheaton's first book, 'Dancing Barefoot', never made its way to our mail box. (Wow! Was that a comma-fest or what? Every time I tap that little key I can hear my Honours English teacher's voice buzzing in my ear asking if it was really necessary or mightn't it be re-worded. As always my answer is "Yes, ma'am" and then I write it like I want to anyway.) Or perhaps I should say mail cube since Aussies say things like "think outside the cube" instead of box. I don't know, nor care to know, what that's about either. And, not being a native, I doubt I will ever care. Anyway, before I completely de-forest the Comma Jungle, let's get back to the story at hand. In the end I got a refund and an apology from Wil for my having waited so long and not receiving a book. I should, before anyone gets all huffy and says bad things about Mr. Wheaton or his publishing house, point out that I was not in the dark about the comings and goings, or not coming, of said book and didn't put up too much of a fuss in the e-mails back and forth that ensued. Obviously this was not because I'm an easy-going, patient and forgiving nun-like woman, but because I'm a bit of a fan and I realised this was his first book and his publishing house's first title. Oh, and I also realised I live on a rock in the South Pacific very very far from Arnold's Cal-ee-forn-yuh. Those who really know me will tell you I'm an acidic bitch who really needs to consider some better living through chemistry, and may find themselves surprised that I didn't flip out ninja style.

Wil wrote that he was very sorry this had happened and that he would still get me a book "if I have to walk across the freakin' Pacific Ocean MYSELF to deliver it". While this was totally unnecessary (the offer of the book, not the offer to walk on water) and he was under no obligation whatsoever, I thought this was 'cool' with a capital 'coo'. And he was good to his word as I received a copy this past Monday. I am, of course, disappointed that he didn't walk it across himself as I'm sure he'd be great fun to hang out with before he had to walk back home to feed the dog, but I think I can learn to be content with just the book. My wife is probably OK with this too as Wil is on my "straight guys I'd turn for" list. It also would have been cool to learn how he did it so I could make a bazillion dollars and make David Blaine look like a chump.

But back to the book.

I read Dancing Barefoot' in 2.5 hours. How ya' like them apples, Wil*? I was eager, there's no doubt, but the first story really grabs you and you can't stop. Especially knowing that a Wil Wheaton Dot Net favourite, the expanded saga of SpongeBob Vega$ Pants, is coming up. I couldn't stop reading despite having to be up early the next morning. I had read a great deal of the original content that went into the book, but I must say that Wil's re-writes and fleshing out have really turned it into a gem of a first book. I'm really looking forward to 'Just a Geek', the larger book that the stories in 'Dancing Barefoot' were cut from. So when I wrote Uncle Willie to let him know I'd received his package, I also let him know that I would be buying the next one from his company, despite my post-debacle intention to go through Amazon or some other mega-hyper-corp. It wasn't anything personal, but I I was gunshy and knew I would feel just peachy yelling at some faceless corporate entity if they didn't deliver on time. Page 59 didn't hurt his case either.

You see, during a convention while signing autographs Wil was forced to leave to make it to a rehearsal with his comedy troupe for that night's show. Rather than just blowing out under cover of a convention volunteer's coat or yelling fire in Klingon -- did I mention it was a Star Trek convention? -- he stood up on his table and informed the still long line that he had to leave or the show would "suck" but that he would be around for the duration of the event to finish up autographs for those who had waited the longest, those in the back of the line. He notes in the story that he feels he has an obligation to those people just as much as to those first in line, that it was his goal to convey to them that he cared about them just as much. To his relief the fans were understanding and appreciated his candour and honesty. Well, I'm happy to say this is no less the treatment I received for on the title leaf of my book, in Sharpie** of course, is written:

To Maggie,
The most patient person on the planet.
I hope it's worth the wait...
Wil Wheaton
19.09.03

He even wrote the date in International format. Bless his heart. Yes, I'm pleased to report, it was totally worth it. 'Dancing Barefoot' is a collection of honestly told stories which pull you in with their simple and universal themes of love, doubt and the agonising steps that take us to self-awareness. Wil Wheaton is not out to joust with Cervantes or push Papa into the sea, but what he does he does well and with an openness that is hard to find in today's world. Those of you who experienced summer camp and made 'that friend' there will know, but maybe not recognise, why Wil's blog is so popular. That Friend was made because there was no room for normal social jockeying and feinting. You got to know each other on a very basic and personal level (you didn't have time to fark around). You opened yourselves up and said "this is who I really am and not everyone gets to see this." Wil Wheaton's writing is like that friend. He may not be a part of your everyday life, but you know who him on a genuine level and you take him into that warm place in your heart reserved for friends.

What? Sorry. Rachael from 'Blade Runner' is making out with Michael Caine* on TV and I keep getting distracted. OK, OK, her name is Sean Young, but I'm such a DADES/BR fan I have a hard time seeing her as anything but Rachael. That's one of the pitfalls of celebrity, and one Wil has been on both sides of; Fighting off the agony that was "being Wesley" but still seeing William Shatner as "Capt. Kirk" until The Shat broke that illusion by dismissing Wil as below his notice. I'm going somewhere with this, believe it or not...

I believe that his blog, wilwheaton.net, is not popular merely because he is famous. As famous people go he's not that famous and he's been, in fandom, vilified by rabid association to a role he once played on Star Trek: The Next Generation. No, his blog is not popular because the world was clammering for "Wesley Crusher's Teen Idol Diary", it's because of the way Wil writes and the things he writes about. His celebrity gives him plenty of material, but it's his writings on learning to cope with that celebrity, with being a step-dad, with love, with loss, with being human that make him interesting to us all. He's "just like us" and we relate to him, we understand him, because he's "just a geek" who happens to be famous. And he's a good story teller. And that's what it's all about in the end.

Thanks for the book, Wil. I'm so glad it finally made it here. And congratulations on your success. You deserve it, ya big lug.

Oh. I lied about the dancing monkey.

Maggie
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* - If you don't get that reference, then you really need to get to the movies more often. I will accept both the original film and the parody contained in another as valid answers. No cheating and if you need to use the bathroom during the test, raise your hand.

** - Sharpie is the best all around marker ever devised by man or alien civilisation. It can be used to write on a myriad of surfaces and this is what makes it so popular with people, like celebrities, who sign lots of different things. I brought a stash of them with me from America for writing on CDs, my arm, greeting cards, love notes, etc. but am happy to report that Australia is joining the Sharpie revolution. We saw a slew of them, in blue and black, fine tip or blunt tip, one pack or two in Target not long ago.

*** - The movie is 'Blue Ice', in case anyone's interested. It's pretty good so far. Even despite the guard dogs in the current scene being dubbed in using that cheesy Casio dog bark sample.